How many times in our lives do we stand at a precipice looking out at the life we could have, wondering if really do have the strength, the intelligence, the fortitude, to take a step forward and leap into the life we have chosen?
I sit and stare at the rejection letters, and the news of dear friends who are finding work in their chosen fields, writing or teaching or whatever combination they can make fit into their lives. I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to make it out there with them. I'm wondering if I have what it takes to succeed, to believe in myself enough to fight the necessary battles within myself and within the field I'm venturing into.
In addition, I have to take a long hard look at the outside commitments I have made, the ones that involve tons of work and no pay, and wonder if I have the fortitude and the patience to work toward the changes I believe need to happen.
Some part of me wants to retreat. Retreat back into my own dark little box, the tiny space I allow my mind to occupy when my own personal demons take over. I want to hide within my misery and prove to myself exactly what kind of failure I am by remaining inactive save for the dark thoughts. Some part of me wants to give in to the voices of doubt that creep in, hand them a microphone and tell them to have at it, knock me down with their words of failure and unworthiness, shred me with truths I don't want to hear, cloak me with the invisibility of my own misery.
But alas, as tempting as giving in seems, it really isn't an option. I don't have the patience to be utterly miserable. In truth I like myself a little too much do any real harm, or allow the voices free reign.
I originally began mulling this subject over with thoughts of career in mind, but am beginning to see recognize my surroundings. I have been here before.
I suppose that when I was about to become a parent, I must have stood here. I must have surveyed the world ahead of me, one that was so new I had great difficulty fathoming what was ahead. One that didn't seem to match the words of the other parents who can gone there before me, the ones that tried to share their wisdom and experiences. I looked up one day and realized that that new world had become my entire reality, there had been no choice but to move forward.
I knew I stood here when I made the decision to go back to school and complete my long neglected college education. I must have sat here looking beyond the critical math homework that so often reduced me to tears, knowing that if I gave up on math that I was giving up on my dreams of a degree, of the education I so desperately wanted. That wasn't an option. I knew that if I gave up, that I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It's strange to receive praise from anyone, inside or outside my personal circle, that point out the awesomeness of my educational accomplishments. To me they were necessary. Kind of like parenting. There was no possibility of giving up.
I don't suppose I'll give up now, either. I'll reevaluate. That much I can do. I have made conscious choices that led me here, both in my career and in my volunteer work. I have to move forward. I have no choice but to jump, to take a leap. To have faith in myself.
