Instead of the usual burning ritual, this year's greeting of the new year will consist of quiet meditation against fear, gratitude, prayer and a focus on hope.
As I write this I am sitting, and feeling quite fatigued, in an ICU room as my honey lies in a hospital bed hoping that modern medicine can help heal his damaged lungs. He came down with the flu just over two weeks ago, which turned into pneumonia and is now Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS). He has been intubated since Christmas night. There is no prognosis.
I am quite frightened; sometimes the fear is more evident than others. I sit vigil and hope that tonight's nurse is not so intimidated and irritated by me that she doesn't miss a crucial clue that will pull him away from the path of healing. I watch my friend Andrea keep Joe centered as she sits with him calming his occasional leg thrashing, her husband Kevin at my side ready to hold my hand and nod as I share yet another story related to our trauma. I feel so much gratitude to these two, and the dozens of family and friends who have stepped forward to offer support. The gratitude is so big that it grows closer and closer to guilt. How can we possibly be worthy of what we have received and will receive?
Despite the above remark about tonight's nurse, I have been quite pleased with the level of care that we have encountered here. The attention to detail, communication and level of professionalism is the highest I have ever experienced. Given my usually negative attitude towards western medicine, this is high praise.
In the twenty-four years that we have been married, we have only spent one midnight apart. It was a foolish and misguided choice that created a short, temporary distance one New Year's Eve; one that I am loath to repeat. So despite the fact that I didn't manage to get a nap in today, I am here with him tonight watching the clock move closer to midnight and 2014. I am here with him, even if he is not necessarily aware of it.
Last New Year's Even found us in our usual spot: on our back porch with the fire pit writing on pieces of wood about those things we wanted to burn away, then writing about those things we wanted to manifest in the new year. Burning out the old, burning in the new. It's a spare-the-air day tonight anyway, so we couldn't burn even if we were home.
I will likely try to find a substitute ritual tomorrow, but in the meantime, the focus is on hope and recovery. Love and support. New beginnings and
changes.
Happy New Year.
5 comments:
You are in my heart and in my thoughts. I have sat in the place you are today. Hold onto hope and the fact that Joe is young and strong and will pull through this thing.. Lots of love,
Martha
Yes, hold on to hope and love. My sweet husband is outside welding this New Year, his profession and passion. Although, he has terminal cancer, he is in remission now. Each day with him is a blessing.
Ginny, all of your feelings right now are so true. I am so hopeful that your strong and wonderful husband will heal soon. Bless those in need of healing. The renewal of body and the renewal of spirit.
Shalom,
Traci
It was an honor to be with you both last night. No where else we wanted to be. It is times like these where our tribe come closer for support so we can again go off on our own. It's the wave of nature that occurs on so many levels, during so many times in our lives. Just like a new baby whom we gather around to love and support and whom in the future we will beam as they are able to do things independently.
I look forward to ringing in the next year with you two. I know what I will be burning from this year already!! I love you much!
Andrea
Oh Ginny,
You are so in my thoughts. I have no words. Sending love and healing to your amazing husband... and to you.
Ginny and Joe,
You are both incredibly, undeniably worthy of any support or help we can provide. You have helped so many with your kindness, wisdom, altruistic joy, and beloved pithy comments that force us to open our minds, and sometimes change our lives. You have nurtured two children who expand on this legacy daily.
You have legions of friends at your disposal that are supremely honored to be of any assistance or comfort. Anything you need, anytime, anywhere. "As you wish m'lady." Your feelings of guilt simply show your care for others even in time of surrealistic crisis.
Burn the guilt as your ritual.
It is not hyperbole or mere clinche when I state I have always admired Joe for his inner strength and he is equipped for the fight. After all, he keeps his feathers numbered for just such an occassion.
I regret not sitting to talk at W3 today. I was stunned and lacked words. I know you understand sometimes writing is necessary for some to express their feelings and support.
We send love and Joe will be our thoughts constantly.
Douglas
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