It's only been eight months, but I think that I am finally getting a handle on being a grandparent.
As I have mentioned over and over again to any ears that will listen, I've been having difficulty grasping what my role as a grandparent is. In my own life a grandparent was a parent, swooping in and doing parent things: cooking, cleaning, playing, changing, feeding, losing sleep, etc. But my kids are really wonderful people and they take very good care of Memphis, so my expertise is rarely needed.
Although I do find that I have a knack for getting the baby to sleep. I think it is because I have been through babyhood already with my own kids, and know for a fact that a baby will eventually sleep. That knowledge is very powerful, once you believe it, and so I know that a few minutes walking around the house rocking him in my arms and whispering the occasional song in his ear will ultimately put him to sleep. Whether or not he stays that way is hardly my problem. That is one of the advantages of being a grandparent. I can put the baby to sleep, but I won't be there in the night when he wakes up.
When Memphis first came home I tried to give my kids some space. I wanted to see the baby, sure, and hold him and coo to him, but I didn't want to intrude on the cocooning that their new family needed to do. Then my son mentioned to me about six weeks later that they felt that I was giving them too much space, that I wasn't coming by enough. That of course kick started the old parent guilt (that apparently never goes away; I suppose it goes hand-in-hand with the ability to get a crying baby to sleep). But I am working more now than when my kids were growing up, and let's face it, there are reasons why I stopped working full-time as a young mother. I simply didn't/don't have the capacity to balance small children and a career. Back in the day I had to make a choice. Today it is not my choice to make. Today I work because my focus is different. And I have to remind myself that I am Memphis' grandparent. Not his parent. If I only see him once a week, I am damned lucky that I live close enough to see him that often. Although I do feel guilty that I am letting my kids down; that I am not helping them as much as they need. So I go back to square one, wondering what my role is.
Then this last week it occurred to me that being a grandparent has very little to do with my kids. They are adults after all, and have the verbal and mental capacity to ask for help. And they do ask. We babysit fairly often. I go to doctor's visits when invited. I feed them or give them money or rides. I have not disappeared; I'm just no longer available to be on-call for everything 24/7. And there are many other wonderful family members around that love and help take care of Memphis and his parents.
I think that my role as Nana has everything to do with my relationship with my grandbaby. My relationship with my kids has not changed, and I supposed that it shouldn't. I think what is important is that I let go of my guilt and embrace my special relationship with my very special grandson.
That I can do.
So I'm thinking that Memphis and I need to go on some adventures together. I think we should run errands and go to the park, and go to my work and show each other off. I think we should go shopping, and enjoy long walks together in the sunshine. I think that we will find special toys and books that we like to play with together, just the two of us.
Yeah, I am finally beginning to ease into being Nana to Memphis. And it is a wonderful feeling.
