Anyone who has lived through the death of a loved one knows that regardless of what a company policy may be, there is really no finite time limit that grief fits neatly into. Bereavement leave at work may be three days, or three weeks, but the process is as individual and unique as the life that is lost. A few days of utter sadness and pints of ice cream may be enough to allow day-to-day functioning. A few weeks in bed, unable to attend to regular daily responsibilities or personal hygiene may be the norm. Months and months of a low steady hum in the ears might create a nearly impenetrable barrier between living and grieving. Or a heaviness might slow down every movement, every thought, every memory.
And what if there are multiple deaths, one after the other? Is it possible to separate each from the other, to compartmentalize, prioritize? In my case, there is the occasional glimpse or sense a deceased loved one, a few moments or hours of thought directed solely at one soul. Most of the time one thought leads from one to another. I don't feel that I am doing any of them justice, that I am mourning each in turn, respecting their individuality in life and death. But the timing makes it nearly impossible to separate them in my head and in my heart.
Most recently is the lost grandchild. His name was Rowan. He was inside his mother for nearly five months before his heart stopped beating. When I think of him, when I allow myself a few moments of focused thought, when I can push aside the pain and numb myself sufficiently, I envision tiny fingers and toes, a face that had begun to take on unique characteristics, a little body that was on its way to becoming plump and round in anticipation of birth. I can't stay in those moments for long, the thought of his being lost is too overwhelming. When we found out he existed, and I was facing grand parenthood, I often remarked, At least it's not another death. And now he is exactly that.
When I think of the loss of Rowan, I wonder how I can still inhale with the weight of his death on my chest. I wonder how any of us can survive another loss. I remember when I found out that my dad had died, how I felt that I couldn't cope, couldn't live through another parent's death. My mind goes back one more step to my mother, knowing she was dying so soon after Miriam, feeling angry that mom's death intruded on the great grief I was feeling for Miriam. I go back at the beginning, to the loss of Miriam, to her illness, sitting with her at the end feeling the dichotomy of the pain and the great comfort in the gifts she left us.
I had originally meant this posting to be about lost possibilities, but that would infer that I was far enough along in my grieving process that I could systematically outline exactly who left behind what potential. Instead I realize that I am still facing my grief, still processing–and it is one long process.
Lake Mendocino
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
With Age Comes…
I have reached a point in my life when I am concerned about certain aspects of aging. From very early on in my life, I received comments about my maturity level; I appeared to the outside world to be older than my years. This was cool when I was 15 and thought to be older than my 22-year-old co-worker. It was even cooler at 17, 18 and 19 when I wasn’t carded at bars or restaurants or liquor stores. The only thing I lacked was life experience.
Now that I am mature in years and life experience, I no longer want to look/act/seem older than I really am. I in fact, to appear younger would be better. So I worry about things like wrinkles, and spend maybe too much money on over-the-counter face lotions to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. I was one of those unfortunate girls who could find gray hairs amongst the darker ones early in my twenties and often joked that I would have so many white hairs by the time I was 50 that I would be naturally blonde. I started playing with hair color cause it was fun, and at some point it became, well, necessary.
I’m not to 50 yet (despite what the AARP thinks with their stupid mailers and offers of free copies of their magazine), and have had to make the tough decision whether to continue to color to cover the encroaching gray, or let it all hang out and to hell with what the world thinks. I didn’t like the look, so I chose to go back to chemical additives and continue to be a brunette for a couple of more decades.
Many women and men of my generation, choose to follow in the steps of the younger generation who have made adorning the body with tattoos a mainstream hobby. I’m not there yet, but I do like some more adventurous piercing beyond the earlobes. So after seven years of hemming and hawing, I had my nostril pierced. I love it!
Now my hair color is from a bottle, and I am sporting an opal on my face, I’m feeling okay about my age. Hell, who has to go quietly? There’s no law, right? People these days live so much longer, so it naturally follows that what used to be considered middle age is still ramping up.
Then my son goes and decides to make me a grandmother.
My twenty-one-year old son and his twenty-year-old girlfriend are working (all too) quickly towards parenthood. They are due in mid-March. I’m not ready for this. I am delighted to have a baby in the family–I’m just not thrilled that he or she will call me Grandmother. Maybe Nana, or Grammy or Nona or Grandma Ginger, or Mamaw. Definitely not Granny or Nanny or Abuela. I have a friend whose response to the news was, “Are you even 40, yet?” God, I love this woman, she always knows exactly what to say. And the best part is–she was serious!
So I’ve said it. I’m going to be a Grandmother. I’m very glad that I decided to color my hair and get my nose pierced BEFORE I found out. Not because.
Maybe it’s time for a tattoo.
Now that I am mature in years and life experience, I no longer want to look/act/seem older than I really am. I in fact, to appear younger would be better. So I worry about things like wrinkles, and spend maybe too much money on over-the-counter face lotions to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. I was one of those unfortunate girls who could find gray hairs amongst the darker ones early in my twenties and often joked that I would have so many white hairs by the time I was 50 that I would be naturally blonde. I started playing with hair color cause it was fun, and at some point it became, well, necessary.
I’m not to 50 yet (despite what the AARP thinks with their stupid mailers and offers of free copies of their magazine), and have had to make the tough decision whether to continue to color to cover the encroaching gray, or let it all hang out and to hell with what the world thinks. I didn’t like the look, so I chose to go back to chemical additives and continue to be a brunette for a couple of more decades.
Many women and men of my generation, choose to follow in the steps of the younger generation who have made adorning the body with tattoos a mainstream hobby. I’m not there yet, but I do like some more adventurous piercing beyond the earlobes. So after seven years of hemming and hawing, I had my nostril pierced. I love it!
Now my hair color is from a bottle, and I am sporting an opal on my face, I’m feeling okay about my age. Hell, who has to go quietly? There’s no law, right? People these days live so much longer, so it naturally follows that what used to be considered middle age is still ramping up.
Then my son goes and decides to make me a grandmother.
My twenty-one-year old son and his twenty-year-old girlfriend are working (all too) quickly towards parenthood. They are due in mid-March. I’m not ready for this. I am delighted to have a baby in the family–I’m just not thrilled that he or she will call me Grandmother. Maybe Nana, or Grammy or Nona or Grandma Ginger, or Mamaw. Definitely not Granny or Nanny or Abuela. I have a friend whose response to the news was, “Are you even 40, yet?” God, I love this woman, she always knows exactly what to say. And the best part is–she was serious!
So I’ve said it. I’m going to be a Grandmother. I’m very glad that I decided to color my hair and get my nose pierced BEFORE I found out. Not because.
Maybe it’s time for a tattoo.
The Weight of the Dead
More than one person has said to me that when a loved one dies, it brings up the memories and feelings of every other death you have experienced in your life. No one said, however, that those loved ones would take up residence in my life, intruding in my thoughts and feelings even more so than when they were alive.
My grandfather and grandmother, who have been dead three and fifteen years respectively, are perched one on each shoulder, taking full advantage of their renewed place in my consciousness, dispensing tidbits into each ear on a continual basis. I hear things come out of my mouth that I know are not my ideas. This goes far beyond turns-of-phrases. Comments, lectures and arguments that I know they would have made when they were alive, in fact probably did, are spewing out of my mouth much like, yeah I’ll say it, projectile vomit. My son and his girlfriend are struggling with life decisions and I hear myself telling them that what they want won’t work, they can’t afford it, it isn’t practical, etc. Argh! This is not the kind of mother that I am. I’m a shoot from the hip, tell it like I see tempered by love and understanding kind of mom. I try not to tell anybody how to live their life. And here I am doing just that. Get off my shoulders, get out of my head!
Meanwhile, my recently deceased mother and father can’t find room on my shoulders, so they have settled in mid-chest. They don’t say much; just make sure that I know they are there. When they were alive I always felt a kind of psychic connection, I could feel them out there somewhere in the cosmos and assumed that when they died, I would feel their absence. There were actually about five days just before my mother actually passed that I couldn’t feel her. Well, I was wrong about feeling an absence. They are with me stronger now that they are dead than they ever were when they were alive. It’s as if they decided that since they were absent the bulk of my life from my life that they are going to stick around in the afterlife and make up for lost time. To their credit it feels as though they have left the pain and other crap from their lives on earth behind, and are now more interested in offering love and companionship. If I was willing to let down the boundaries, brick walls, and various other kinds of defense mechanisms that I was forced to erect over the years to protect myself, their intentions might have some positive effect. But I’m not, so they don’t. They are offering me exactly what I wanted, but not offering it when I wanted it. And that knowledge brings up all the pain I have felt in my life, and it sits on my chest beside my parents.
My beloved Miriam, also recently deceased, my surrogate mother/aunt/loving friend, hovers off to the side, not out of sight, not out of mind, and never irritating or painful. She was no saint when she was alive, and let’s be honest, who would want a saint in their life? Not me. I like deep complicated people with flaws who offer me unconditional love. Her physical absence from my daily life is the most painful of all. With her help I found so much of myself…I don’t know how to explain…I don’t have words. I love her. I miss her. It hurts. Yet I can still feel her.
And these celestial bodies; ghosts; impressions; remnants of memories; whatever they are, they are damned heavy. And their weight hurts. Logic says that the pain will subside, as I move through my grief the strong sense I have of each of these people will slowly drift farther and farther away. Never so far that I won’t feel them, or remember them, but the pain will abate enough to function and continue to live my life. And when that happens, I will still miss them. I will even miss the pain.
My grandfather and grandmother, who have been dead three and fifteen years respectively, are perched one on each shoulder, taking full advantage of their renewed place in my consciousness, dispensing tidbits into each ear on a continual basis. I hear things come out of my mouth that I know are not my ideas. This goes far beyond turns-of-phrases. Comments, lectures and arguments that I know they would have made when they were alive, in fact probably did, are spewing out of my mouth much like, yeah I’ll say it, projectile vomit. My son and his girlfriend are struggling with life decisions and I hear myself telling them that what they want won’t work, they can’t afford it, it isn’t practical, etc. Argh! This is not the kind of mother that I am. I’m a shoot from the hip, tell it like I see tempered by love and understanding kind of mom. I try not to tell anybody how to live their life. And here I am doing just that. Get off my shoulders, get out of my head!
Meanwhile, my recently deceased mother and father can’t find room on my shoulders, so they have settled in mid-chest. They don’t say much; just make sure that I know they are there. When they were alive I always felt a kind of psychic connection, I could feel them out there somewhere in the cosmos and assumed that when they died, I would feel their absence. There were actually about five days just before my mother actually passed that I couldn’t feel her. Well, I was wrong about feeling an absence. They are with me stronger now that they are dead than they ever were when they were alive. It’s as if they decided that since they were absent the bulk of my life from my life that they are going to stick around in the afterlife and make up for lost time. To their credit it feels as though they have left the pain and other crap from their lives on earth behind, and are now more interested in offering love and companionship. If I was willing to let down the boundaries, brick walls, and various other kinds of defense mechanisms that I was forced to erect over the years to protect myself, their intentions might have some positive effect. But I’m not, so they don’t. They are offering me exactly what I wanted, but not offering it when I wanted it. And that knowledge brings up all the pain I have felt in my life, and it sits on my chest beside my parents.
My beloved Miriam, also recently deceased, my surrogate mother/aunt/loving friend, hovers off to the side, not out of sight, not out of mind, and never irritating or painful. She was no saint when she was alive, and let’s be honest, who would want a saint in their life? Not me. I like deep complicated people with flaws who offer me unconditional love. Her physical absence from my daily life is the most painful of all. With her help I found so much of myself…I don’t know how to explain…I don’t have words. I love her. I miss her. It hurts. Yet I can still feel her.
And these celestial bodies; ghosts; impressions; remnants of memories; whatever they are, they are damned heavy. And their weight hurts. Logic says that the pain will subside, as I move through my grief the strong sense I have of each of these people will slowly drift farther and farther away. Never so far that I won’t feel them, or remember them, but the pain will abate enough to function and continue to live my life. And when that happens, I will still miss them. I will even miss the pain.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
And then there were none
In just under 2 months, a span of 51 days to be exact, the last parents in my life died. The woman I called my aunt who was more of a mother to me went first. Thirty-one days later my bio-mother died. Twenty days after her death, and 41 years after they divorced, my bio-dad died.
All three deaths were caused by cigarettes. None was older than 65.
Miriam had stopped smoking nearly 20 years before she was diagnosed with lung cancer. The fact that she stopped when she did likely lengthened her life considerably. Less than a year after the diagnosis she was gone.
Mary, the bio-mom, was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2004. She had surgery to remove the cancerous lung and was told that it had not spread. Apparently it hid from the surgeons because a few months ago they found that it had spread throughout her body. She died July 10.
Jack, the bio-dad, had been in failing health for a few years. The circulation in his legs was poor, he had endured a mild heart attack several years ago, and 3 strokes that the doctors were aware of (but they suspected there had been several more) . According to my step-sister, he had stopped smoking several years ago. On July 26th he suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 75% of his body after falling asleep next to a burning cigarette. (His wife and step-sister claim that his electric chair shorted out, the authorities claim it was a burning cigarette.) On July 30 he succumbed to his wounds and died alone in a hospital bed.
With the exception of a maybe 4 excursions to the dark side in my twenties during my experimental phase, I have never been a smoker. I always thought that they were disgusting. As a child when it was time to wash dishes I always saved the ashtrays for last, dipping them into the soapy water and then the rinse water before setting them onto the dish drainer still dirty. Gram didn't give me too hard a time, I think out of guilt that she smoked at all and didn't have the will power to stop.
When I was a kid and my friends would come over the visit, when they returned to their non-smoking homes they had to shower to wash the stench of cigarette smoke off of their bodies and out of their hair. Once in high school a friend commented that he was surprised I had taken up smoking. I hadn't, I had just come from home.
The smoke from a cigarette as it burns between puffs, rising up into the air like ribbons pulled by an invisible hand used to fascinate me as a child. The fascination never got beyond pretending with candy cigarettes. I am grateful that I don't have to spend my days living in a hazy house or that public places (in California at least) are smoke free. I'm grateful that my husband is a former smoker and is not likely to return to a life threatening habit.
I don't need to learn anything more about the ills of cigarettes. I don't feel the need to preach to strangers.
In reality, death is death. I am at an age when we start losing parents, that is a cold fact, but a very real one. I am lucky that I had as many parents as I did for as long as I did. But they are all gone now.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not okay. I suspect, I won't be for awhile.
All three deaths were caused by cigarettes. None was older than 65.
Miriam had stopped smoking nearly 20 years before she was diagnosed with lung cancer. The fact that she stopped when she did likely lengthened her life considerably. Less than a year after the diagnosis she was gone.
Mary, the bio-mom, was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2004. She had surgery to remove the cancerous lung and was told that it had not spread. Apparently it hid from the surgeons because a few months ago they found that it had spread throughout her body. She died July 10.
Jack, the bio-dad, had been in failing health for a few years. The circulation in his legs was poor, he had endured a mild heart attack several years ago, and 3 strokes that the doctors were aware of (but they suspected there had been several more) . According to my step-sister, he had stopped smoking several years ago. On July 26th he suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 75% of his body after falling asleep next to a burning cigarette. (His wife and step-sister claim that his electric chair shorted out, the authorities claim it was a burning cigarette.) On July 30 he succumbed to his wounds and died alone in a hospital bed.
With the exception of a maybe 4 excursions to the dark side in my twenties during my experimental phase, I have never been a smoker. I always thought that they were disgusting. As a child when it was time to wash dishes I always saved the ashtrays for last, dipping them into the soapy water and then the rinse water before setting them onto the dish drainer still dirty. Gram didn't give me too hard a time, I think out of guilt that she smoked at all and didn't have the will power to stop.
When I was a kid and my friends would come over the visit, when they returned to their non-smoking homes they had to shower to wash the stench of cigarette smoke off of their bodies and out of their hair. Once in high school a friend commented that he was surprised I had taken up smoking. I hadn't, I had just come from home.
The smoke from a cigarette as it burns between puffs, rising up into the air like ribbons pulled by an invisible hand used to fascinate me as a child. The fascination never got beyond pretending with candy cigarettes. I am grateful that I don't have to spend my days living in a hazy house or that public places (in California at least) are smoke free. I'm grateful that my husband is a former smoker and is not likely to return to a life threatening habit.
I don't need to learn anything more about the ills of cigarettes. I don't feel the need to preach to strangers.
In reality, death is death. I am at an age when we start losing parents, that is a cold fact, but a very real one. I am lucky that I had as many parents as I did for as long as I did. But they are all gone now.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not okay. I suspect, I won't be for awhile.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
Saturday, June 30, 2007
All Things have a Reason, I suppose
Sometime last week, in the course of a conversation with the hubby, I realized that my very strong aversion to tattoos had ebbed a bit. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I view tattoos as a symbol of white trash. Dirty and green and without rhyme or reason. My bio-parents have some pretty ridiculous tattoos, which is of course the origin of my aversion. But suddenly one evening last week, I felt a shift, a loosening of my judgment, as if there was shift in the health of one or both of my bio-units. I have joked that once they are both dead I might be more open to colorful body mutilation.
Thursday night my brother left a voice mail. Mind you I haven't seen my brother in 20 years and haven't spoken on the phone to him in almost 15. He wanted to let me know (in an upbeat and conversational tone) that mom is dying. The doctors have given her a couple of months and she wanted me to know.
Ah. Now I understand why tattoos don't seem quite so bad.
As if a message like that isn't bad enough, it was also left on the eve of my birthday. I can count on one hand the number of birthdays my mother has remembered or acknowledged. Off the top of my head I can't actually remember one, but I'm sure there are a couple One year she actually got married on my birthday. I think that was husband #6. Two husbands ago.
She knew my brother called me. I know this in part because the call came from her number (thank goodness for call id) and because her voice can clearly be heard in the background feeding information to my bro. He left me his number and a basic schedule of when he is home in case I want to talk to him. And pointed out that he would be at mom's house on Friday. No mention of the fact that Friday is my birthday. Happy fucking birthday.
I think I'll wait until she's buried. Then I think I'll get a tiny dragonfly tattooed on my wrist.
All things happen for a reason, I suppose.
Thursday night my brother left a voice mail. Mind you I haven't seen my brother in 20 years and haven't spoken on the phone to him in almost 15. He wanted to let me know (in an upbeat and conversational tone) that mom is dying. The doctors have given her a couple of months and she wanted me to know.
Ah. Now I understand why tattoos don't seem quite so bad.
As if a message like that isn't bad enough, it was also left on the eve of my birthday. I can count on one hand the number of birthdays my mother has remembered or acknowledged. Off the top of my head I can't actually remember one, but I'm sure there are a couple One year she actually got married on my birthday. I think that was husband #6. Two husbands ago.
She knew my brother called me. I know this in part because the call came from her number (thank goodness for call id) and because her voice can clearly be heard in the background feeding information to my bro. He left me his number and a basic schedule of when he is home in case I want to talk to him. And pointed out that he would be at mom's house on Friday. No mention of the fact that Friday is my birthday. Happy fucking birthday.
I think I'll wait until she's buried. Then I think I'll get a tiny dragonfly tattooed on my wrist.
All things happen for a reason, I suppose.
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