Really, I was sober!

About 7:00 pm yesterday evening, a feeling washed over me that felt so strong it was almost as if some outside energy was compelling me, pushing me to do something I wouldn't normally consider.

I was overcome by an urge to call my bio-father.

I couldn't blame the feeling on too much alcohol, or on any substance altered state. I was sober and driving up I-5 from LA to my home. What I could do was reach out to my sponsors. In other words, to people in my life who have witnessed my sometimes obsessive, and always irrational, need to make contact with one or the other of my biological parents who abandoned me.

I called the husband first (thank goodness for cell phones). I'm sure he said something completely rational and convincing to counter my emotions. When that didn't work I called one of my oldest friends, the one who took the walk up the steps with me to my bio-father's door when I was 17. The one who watched me try and try and try again to build and sustain a regular relationship with both of my bio-parents. When I wondered out loud if I was feeling the urge to call the bio-dad because he really wanted to talk to me and had sent out a message through our psychic connection, she pointed out that if he really wanted to talk to me he would make the effort. I didn't bother pointing out that he doesn't have my phone number, and I'm unlisted so he couldn't easily get it.

Ultimately I pulled into a rest stop, poured some quarters into a pay phone and dialed the number I last called in 1992. Wrong number.

The feeling has mostly passed. I realize that I am likely wishing for some parental involvement from the non-parents in my life now that I have lost the only surrogate parent I had left. My grandparents first stepped into the roles of first line parents when my own bio-folks walked away from me. Then my oldest friend's aunt stepped in when my grandmother died. She died a few weeks ago. I feel like I should be okay with being orphaned. Peopled deal with it every day. But I'm not. I suspect that I never will.