Sneaky Stuff

Grief often cleverly disguises itself as other emotions. It is a trigger for reactions; it blows them up bigger, and often nastier, than in they would be in their natural state. And unless you are really aware that grief is the underlying cause, you can get into trouble. Who am I kidding? Even if you know that grief is messing with you it wreaks the same havoc internally, just the same. The good news is that I am pretty aware that grief is an underlying cause of many of my recent emotional reactions. The bad news is that the reactions and feelings are still there and not necessarily controllable.

Case in point–I applied for a job that I "should" get. I work at a community college, in a temporary classified position (that I love). I applied for an adjunct teaching position, or more specifically, to be in the adjunct pool. Because I already work 30 hours a week, I would only be allowed to teach one 3 unit class per semester, at most. Logically, I'm not sure I really want to teach right now. I also have a growing freelance business and only have so much time and energy to go around.

Let's be clear, I feel qualified to be a part of the adjunct pool. I applied for the full-time position a few months back, but didn't get an interview. And I was really, truly okay with not getting beyond the paper screening for that one. But teaching part-time would give me more experience and more chance of full-time work later. And honestly it seemed like a given that I would at least get an interview. Everyone in the department that I spoke with shared their assumption with me that I would. Some even offered to help with with interview questions in advance.

But I didn't get an interview for the part-time position. Instead I received a very gracious phone call from someone on the hiring committee (my boss in my temporary position no less) who assured me that I had very stiff competition and that the hiring committee thinks very highly of my work.

I have to be honest, that hurt. I was really pretty devastated. It felt like a personal rejection. In the back of my mind I had considered the adjunct pool to be a fall back place if I my current job is not made permanent. In a sense, it was my safety net. It was a side door to take me where I want to go, just down a different corridor. Fear washed over me, along with the anger and hurt of rejection. I felt as if I was on much shakier ground than I had realized and that the chances of falling, of truly failing to make a living, were much greater than I had thought. So I cried the bitter tears of someone who feels useless and worthless.

I assumed at the time, and still do, that I was upset in large part because of the grief that is lurking around me. I could vocalize that potentiality, but I didn't really believe it in my heart.

A week later, the hubby and I planned to take a power walk with the doggies around a local park for some good exercise, then head downtown and have a quiet dinner together. A date night. It sounded wonderful. Hubby fell asleep on the couch as soon as he got home from work. Okay, I thought, so we didn't need the power walk. He woke up an hour or so later, and by this time I was really, really hungry. He said that, yeah, he wanted to go out and get a bite to eat, he just needed to finish up a quick posting on a website bulletin board he participates in, then he'd be upstairs to change and we'd go. I needed to do a couple of things upstairs as well, the timing seemed okay, so off I went to do my stuff and wait for him.

An hour later he came upstairs. An hour! I was furious and felt many things, lots of anger, crankiness from being way too hungry, and really offended that our date was so unimportant to him. I caught myself thinking that I just couldn't stand to be rejected again, especially not by my honey.

Ah, there it was. I knew it as soon as it entered my head. I was reacting to the non-job. The non-job reaction was, in large part, grief related. Damn, that grief just tucks itself in and spreads like tiny poisonous tendrils. The really frustrating thing is, that despite understanding this on an intellectual level, emotionally I just can't shake the feeling of rejection from the job situation. I feel wary now of any pleasant overtures from my colleagues. I no longer believe with any certainty that my temporary job will ever be made permanent. And I am extra sensitive to any rejection, perceived or real. This is especially problematic as I am trying to get my work published. I always sending essays out hoping they will get picked up, and I'm trying to find representation for a book. I haven't been able to bring myself to submit anything for weeks.

The hubby and I ended up going out for a nice, albeit late, date. It was nice, but it took more than an hour for us to feel good with each other.

Blah. Stupid grief. It is really sneaky stuff.