Happy Thanksgiving.
This is the first year for as long as I remember that I haven't done any cooking for the big feast. I made a few breakfast items this morning but have mostly spent the day hanging out. It almost doesn't feel like Thanksgiving because I am not standing in the kitchen, my back aching, my head hurting and my feet screaming. I also won't be seeing my son today; he is working until 6pm and then going to his fiance's house for dinner. Joe and Melia and I are going to the home of our friends Mike and Celia where Mike is preparing a fabulous meal.
Realistically speaking, even if I wanted to, I couldn't possibly host or serve a traditional feast. I have been working so much that my body is protesting loudly in a variety of uncomfortable ways. I don't have the energy to cook and clean and tend to anyone's needs. Heck, I'm having a difficult time tending to my own needs. I'm not eating right or exercising enough. I feel overwhelmed daily.
But my mood is good.
I like my jobs. I love teaching. I still like running the Writing Center, but it is burning me out. I can see the wall slowly making its way toward me. I am destined to hit it and when that happens I will be forced to move on. I'm hoping that when that happens I can move onto teaching and writing full-time. I have an interview next week with another community college. So in addition to the class prep and grading I planned to do this weekend for my classes, and the formatting job I need to finish, and the family finances I have to address, and a Thanksgiving to participate in, I'm prepping for the interview.
Still, not really complaining. But I am looking forward to the end of the semester. I'm very likely going to move into a new office space. It is really long past time for me to move my freelance and creative work out of my house. I think I have decided on a location, but am still dealing with details. I'd like to be mostly moved in before Christmas, which is a week after the semester ends. Yes, I know, even when I have a break scheduled I still manage to overload myself.
One of the many things that I have learned this last few months is that I can do more work than I had thought I could. I have also been reminded just how important taking care of my body is. I physically feel pretty crappy a good portion of the time, but I know how to feel better and once I have the time I will be changing my eating and exercise habits back to what they were only a few months ago. It also reminds me that there were several years when I felt like this ALL the time. I have also been reminded that I have the power to change that, and for that knowledge I am very grateful.
I am grateful that I have trusted my own instincts and am moving forward in my chosen career(s). I am grateful that months ago Joe and I had a talk about the changes that are now taking place and we are managing to stay connected and happy together. I am grateful that my kids are great. I am grateful for my friends and extended family (even if I don't have the time or energy to spend much quality time with them).
Yep, lots to be grateful for. And lost of exhaustion that I will be grateful to be rid of in a few short weeks.
Lake Mendocino
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
A New Castle in the Sky
I'm normally a fence sitter when it comes to politics.
I don't mean to say that I don't have an opinion, but my deep respect for the equally deep feelings of others requires me to keep my attitudes in check lest I fall into an all out confrontation that will serve no purpose save to piss me off, piss my friend/neighbor/fellow party goer off, and end what may likely be a relaxed social gathering. I don't believe that I can sway anyone's strong opinions with my anger or righteousness. I do believe, however, that by keeping an open mind and understanding as to why a stance is different from my own, I have an increased opportunity to share my views in an intellectual way, in a more subtle get under-your-skin kind of way. That sublty and respect for other's opinions is my personal tool for bringing about change in my little world. And yes, it has at time worked.
But goddamn if I didn't bawl my eyes out when it became clear that Barack Obama is going to be the next president of the United States of America. And frankly I don't much care who knows how I feel. I'm not attacking anyone's choices. I'm not dancing the I-told-you-so dance. I am simply enjoying the feeling of imminent change. The feeling of hope for the future of our country on levels that I can barely begin to express. I cried on election night because I am so proud of my country. I am proud that my fellow citizens were willing to take a chance on change. That sounds like such a simple concept, but really it isn't.
Change for most of us is a terrifying experience. A change in job, a change in location, or a change in relationship, all offer new hope and new ideas that mask that black abyss that is the unknown. No matter how sure we are that change is the best thing, it still holds within it things we cannot readily see. And we remain blind to so much for so long, to so much unpredictability, sometimes too much, that even within hope and happiness our terror lurks. This terror could so easily have been too overwhelming for so many people across the nation. It could have tied their hands and their minds down, tethering them, and the rest of us, to a known quantity–the status quo–no matter how much of the real terror was sitting squarely in the light of our everyday lives. Like the abused spouse who remains because the outside world is unknown and unreliable in its actions with no guarantees that change will be better, too often they remain, staying in a place that is safe if only in its familiarity.
I have a copy of the front page of the local newspaper that is entirely filled with the profile of President-Elect Obama. There is another displayed from another newspaper on the office door of a colleague . Both cause me to pause, to hold my hand to my chest over my heart and feel a sense of wonder and pride and hope. He looks eerily familiar: A young man with a young family ready to take on the mantle of one of the most powerful countries in the world. He is wearing a dark suit and white shirt with a solid color tie. He is slender and smiling. I look at it and wonder, does my generation finally have the chance for the kind of hope that hasn't been seen since before I was born? Are we, forty years later, finally ready to give a new future another chance? Has cynicism taken a long enouh vacation for us to try something new that is such a strong echo of the past?
That is certainly my hope.
I pray that it does. I also pray that the hope continues farther than the last. I pray that the new stars that are rising in politics rise far beyond their predecessors and live well into the next generation. I pray that the new castle in the sky we are building in our hearts binds with the foundation of our nation and sustains new hope and change for many, many years.
I don't mean to say that I don't have an opinion, but my deep respect for the equally deep feelings of others requires me to keep my attitudes in check lest I fall into an all out confrontation that will serve no purpose save to piss me off, piss my friend/neighbor/fellow party goer off, and end what may likely be a relaxed social gathering. I don't believe that I can sway anyone's strong opinions with my anger or righteousness. I do believe, however, that by keeping an open mind and understanding as to why a stance is different from my own, I have an increased opportunity to share my views in an intellectual way, in a more subtle get under-your-skin kind of way. That sublty and respect for other's opinions is my personal tool for bringing about change in my little world. And yes, it has at time worked.
But goddamn if I didn't bawl my eyes out when it became clear that Barack Obama is going to be the next president of the United States of America. And frankly I don't much care who knows how I feel. I'm not attacking anyone's choices. I'm not dancing the I-told-you-so dance. I am simply enjoying the feeling of imminent change. The feeling of hope for the future of our country on levels that I can barely begin to express. I cried on election night because I am so proud of my country. I am proud that my fellow citizens were willing to take a chance on change. That sounds like such a simple concept, but really it isn't.
Change for most of us is a terrifying experience. A change in job, a change in location, or a change in relationship, all offer new hope and new ideas that mask that black abyss that is the unknown. No matter how sure we are that change is the best thing, it still holds within it things we cannot readily see. And we remain blind to so much for so long, to so much unpredictability, sometimes too much, that even within hope and happiness our terror lurks. This terror could so easily have been too overwhelming for so many people across the nation. It could have tied their hands and their minds down, tethering them, and the rest of us, to a known quantity–the status quo–no matter how much of the real terror was sitting squarely in the light of our everyday lives. Like the abused spouse who remains because the outside world is unknown and unreliable in its actions with no guarantees that change will be better, too often they remain, staying in a place that is safe if only in its familiarity.
I have a copy of the front page of the local newspaper that is entirely filled with the profile of President-Elect Obama. There is another displayed from another newspaper on the office door of a colleague . Both cause me to pause, to hold my hand to my chest over my heart and feel a sense of wonder and pride and hope. He looks eerily familiar: A young man with a young family ready to take on the mantle of one of the most powerful countries in the world. He is wearing a dark suit and white shirt with a solid color tie. He is slender and smiling. I look at it and wonder, does my generation finally have the chance for the kind of hope that hasn't been seen since before I was born? Are we, forty years later, finally ready to give a new future another chance? Has cynicism taken a long enouh vacation for us to try something new that is such a strong echo of the past?
That is certainly my hope.
I pray that it does. I also pray that the hope continues farther than the last. I pray that the new stars that are rising in politics rise far beyond their predecessors and live well into the next generation. I pray that the new castle in the sky we are building in our hearts binds with the foundation of our nation and sustains new hope and change for many, many years.
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