Renewal

Here we are in late April and Spring is finally upon us. The plants in my yard that survived the record freezes and deluges of rain are blooming or offering new leaves for me to gaze upon. Our renegade peach tree looks as though it might have a fruit or two slowly developing in the growing warmth.

I have no idea what the weather outside was like a year ago. I could easily check, but I choose not to. I do know that the inside of the house had been plagued by a long-term chill. It had been growing steadily colder over the course of at least three years, my husband would argue that it took longer, and had finally become unbearable. A sudden heated discussion shattered the ice that had grown between myself and my life partner and we were left to wonder if there was anything left to salvage or if we wanted to make the effort to rebuild our life together.

I would never have characterized my marriage as unhappy. Even in the midst of misery I most ofter prefer my husband's company to anyone else except my children. But suddenly we realized that the life we had built together was potentially not what he wanted. He had long standing issues within his own heart and his own head that he had worked around for so many years. He didn't like himself very much. He didn't believe he was talented. I don't think that he believed that he deserved to be happy. There were some deep, dark secrets that he was keeping, not just from me, but from himself. He had pulled inside of himself so deeply that he wasn't sure if he wanted to come out and participate in our life, or start a new one without me.

A year ago I was working on a book project. A memoir and research book that was meant to look outside my own experience at the historical and factual realities that surrounded my story. Unlike many of my writing colleagues, I can't write my way through my problems. I don't feel compelled to take notes or journal during crisis. I shut down for the most part and focus so mightily on surviving that I simply don't have enough energy left over for creativity. So when things fell apart at home, the book project stalled. As time went on it became clear that my story wasn't ready to be told in part because my husband's was still unfolding as well.

So when the ice was shattered, he had to decide. and he had to do it without me. So he went away. We had no contact except a few text message conversations. He said he would be gone overnight, but the next day he wasn't ready to come home. This went on for what seemed like weeks and weeks of waiting and wondering. I began planning my life without him. I was forced to look seriously and honestly at how my life would look and how I would move forward. I felt quite ill most of the four days he was gone. Those were the longest four days of my life.

This past Saturday was one year since he chose to come home to me and our life. The past year has been filled with a lot of work and a lot of pain and a lot of tears. He has worked very hard in therapy and with me. He is certainly not done with his work, but his growth has been tremendous.

To celebrate the journey behind and the road ahead, we renewed our vows on the anniversary of his coming home. It wasn't until after we chose the date that we realized it was the actual anniversary. We went public and invited our closest family and friends to witness the exchange of new rings (that he made), a restating of our original vows (and a few new ones). Then we had a party.

I've always enjoyed Winter in large part because I like cocooning in my house, wrapped in the warmth and listening to the storms rage outside while I am safely inside. More than ever I appreciate the necessity of the work that is done indoors when the weather outside is inclement.

This year I am reveling in the welcoming weather of Spring. As it brings a renewal of life, I feel blessed and thankful. The flowers look especially beautiful this year. The new leaves are brighter and the vibrancy of the days surprises me. I feel like writing again. It is suddenly clear to me that my book project needs to move forward, but with a different structure and focus.

Most importantly I am moving forward in my personal and creative life with the man that I love and he is, at last, comfortable enough in his own skin to go with me.